remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
