Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
