No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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