I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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