my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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