I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
