my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
