My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
