I wish my penis had an off switch
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
