If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
