I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
