I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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