Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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