Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
