This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
