You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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