i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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