I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
