I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
