fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
