I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
false alarm, still single
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