A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
