whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
