just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
