im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
