Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
