i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
