i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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