rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
