As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
