I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
