for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
