WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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