Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
