she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
