I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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