that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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