Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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