This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just high enough for therapy.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
