I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
