I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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