i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
