party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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