When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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