she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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