Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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