i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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