As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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