i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
