Ambien. No doubt about it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
