you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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